Remembering my sweet baby boy...

…an angel, a dream lost, a precious gift. Although gone too soon, he taught me so many things about myself, my husband, my friends, about love and loss, about caring and compassion…about life.

Seth Allan, born still, January 20, 2002, at 5:35 p.m. He weighed 8 oz. and was 9 inches long. He was a beautiful baby. I could see our features in him. He had my nose and Brian’s mouth. I couldn't believe this was happening to us. Not now. Not after all these years of waiting and wanting. Years of infertility treatments. A miscarriage. Weeks and weeks of bedrest and bleeding. No, this couldn't be happening now. But it did...and very dark days followed. But eventually, the days got a little lighter and my crying happened less and less. You are tucked away in my heart, a very special place that only you hold.

He’s celebrating his fifth birthday in Heaven today. I can’t help but imagine how different my life would be if he were here. At one time I had a very hard time thinking along those lines, because if he was here, in my mind, that meant that Lindsey and Sydney would not be. I couldn’t go there. So I kept my thoughts and feelings of Seth close to my heart. I still do, but I’ve worked through that now. He can hold a very special piece of my heart and I can think of him, remember him, celebrate my time with him (even the roller coaster pregnancy), and feel good. Maybe it just takes five years to do that.

I’ve been looking at the mementos I have of Seth, reading poems that spoke to me and ones that I had written; thoughts of me on a page. I’d like to share a couple.

Written by me, 1-22-2002

Our Precious Little Son, Seth Allan

You were our hope of a beautiful future
One filled with little boy things-
Watching you grow to become a man.

We waited so long for you,
But it was not to be
For on that day in January
You, our precious, perfect son
Came into the world and left again.

You had your mommy’s nose
And your daddy’s mouth-
And all the other qualities
We will never know.

But those few timeless hours with you
Were the happiest and saddest moments in my life.
Your daddy and I held you and kissed you,
Prayed for you and sang to you.

We miss you so much, dear little Seth.
We will meet you again one day-
And have eternity to spend together.

Love always, Mommy and Daddy

Written 1-22-2002

My dear baby boy, Seth.

Mommy woke up this morning, crying for you. I felt lost without you and the thought that I’ll never see you grow to be a fine man tears at my heart. But I heard you today. You spoke to mommy and said, “Be strong, mommy” “I am here.” I could feel you right here with me, but only for a moment.

I know you are in a happy place – and our heavenly Father is taking care of you and that brings me some comfort. I will always miss you- dear little boy.

I love you.

Mommy

I will light your candle today, remembering you and always...always loving and missing you.