Thursday, December 21, 2006

It's not always "the most wonderful time of the year".

My mind cannot focus these past few days. I’ve opened Word on several occasions wanting to make an entry to my blog, but no words came, or they were a jumble of words that didn’t make sense.

You see, a dear friend of mine is suffering a lost so great right now. M is 25 weeks pregnant. Very soon, she will be delivering her precious daughter whose heart beats no more. It has been consuming almost all of my waking thoughts and even some of my sleeping ones. It is so tragic and senseless and I, like many others, will never understand why this happens. I do, have a faith in God, though, and I trust that His wisdom is infinite and that there are things that our human and finite minds just can’t understand. I don’t believe God causes these things to happen and I believe that he suffers along with us. We are His children, how could He not?

The thing is, I have been where M is. Soon, January 20th will be upon us, the day I gave birth to my angel son, Seth Allan. He was all of my hopes and dreams; after all those years of infertility, treatments, tests, and a miscarriage. Shattered. Sorrow. Darkness. Pain. Hurt that cuts like a knife and sometimes you can’t even breathe. Sleep that you desperately want, but somehow can’t get, because the tears come even when you sleep. Days go by and you wonder how you will make it through a day without crying or how you wonder if there will ever be a moment where your thought isn’t of him. No smiling, no laughter, no joy.

But then you turn toward others who have been where you’ve been. You cling to your spouse, who is suffering too, but is your ROCK. You find comfort in your family, friends, God, and people you don’t even know. You try to do some normal things. You seek out poems that make you feel better and you write poems to make you feel better. And one day, you laugh. And you feel bad because you shouldn’t be laughing, you shouldn’t be happy. But you work through those feelings and you know what? It IS okay to be happy. It’s okay to go on. You are still here with a life ahead of you, people who count on you, love to give, and gifts of yourself that you need to share.

When I lost Seth, there were many angels that appeared to me. My sister-in-law had told her church about us and they were all praying for us. One angel asked my sister-in-law for my address because she wanted to send me something. Shortly thereafter, I received a book that made a great difference in my healing and gave me comfort. She sent me a note, telling me her story of loss. She said that it was okay to lean on God and be angry with God, that he could take it. She said He will bring healing. And she had enclosed some laminated cards in her handwriting that I still carry around, now, five years later. I’d like to share these words with you.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

“Though you have made me see troubles many and bitter, You will restore my life again. From the depths of the earth You will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.” Psalm 71: 20-21

“And the God of all grace…after you have suffered a little while will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” 1 Peter 5:10
I never met this woman. I only know her as Carla. I did send her a thank you, but I hope she REALLY knows what a difference she made in my life at a time when I really needed it.

So, today, the day of baby “Rs” birth, please say a prayer for M, G and their two little girls. Say a prayer for all the mothers of angels in Heaven; the fathers too. They sometimes get forgotten.

We are with you in spirit, M & G. We are with you in Spirit


Tracy said...

Kim, thanks for sharing your thoughts. ITA, God doesn't cause these awful things to happen, but He is with us through it. I also belive that He can bring goodness to light even in the darkest tragedies such as this. Maybe you being able to help M through this based on your experience is a part of that goodness. Also I love the choice of the Christmas cactus, I think it is perfect.
God Bless,

Heather said...

Many prayers to your friends Kim. I too have been in their shoes. It is not a place any parent wants to be. Although Madison was born alive she left us shortly after birth to live with God in heaven.

I have done so much work with MOD, if you want some nice literature and resources to pass on to your friend call your local chapter and ask for the bereavement kit. I was sent this kit when Madison died. It has some lovely things in it. As part of my work of being an ambassador mom I try to pass along that information is available.

God Bless
(lynnie75-preemie board)

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